Saturday, March 8, 2008
Wrapping up Alaska
Hi There!
Well, Life certainly occurs, doesn't it? I've spent the last few weeks adjusting back to Las Vegas--landing a job, re-establishing personal and business connections and processing, processing, processing!
Now that the Ohio story is told and you have a solid background on me, you can see why some of the things that happened in Alaska really pushed my buttons. In hindsight, it was absolutely perfect! I was forced to look in the mirror and confront what I didn't like about me. The dear man I was with has demons similar to mine though from my subjective perspective, I am doing a more efficent job of casting them out. His participation in facilitating some of this is acknowledged here and I wish to express my deep gratitude for the part he played in my spiritual leap this summer. Thank you kind Sir!
What I can see from 2,500 miles and 2 months away is that 1) by changing my own perspective I could have made the experience into something much different. 2) by having zero expectations I couldn't have been disappointed nor hurt. 3) Amazingly, I spent 5 weeks with this intense desire to flee and yet within 9 hours of returning, my first thought upon waking was "I want to go back, now!" I deeply regret returning so hastily.
So I managed to dupe myself with fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and prematurely end what was a very lovely wonderful experience. In addition, it irrepairably damaged my relationship with a very nice good gentleman. Would it have worked long term? Who knows, maybe not, then again, it just might. But I feel in my heart now that we didn't give it enough of a chance. I also feel that what we went through was very mild compared to some of the experiences I had with my ex-s so if we weathered what we did, then we certainly had a shot at things working out. But rereading my own blog, I see that my mind was certainly not in the right spot for that to happen. I am sorry.
Overall, my deepest regret is to have lost the friendship and connection we had. I miss him. He is a basically good man with a kind heart and gentle manner. And I have no one to blame but me and my fear. Communications have all but halted and it brings great saddness to my heart. It was so fun to have someone to talk to for hours because we think so much alike. Very much kindred spirits. Apparently, this hurt him deeply. Never, ever would I have chosen that...I never choose to hurt anyone, even myself. I wish I could apologize adequately. But I guess it isn't my place to do so either...no one is at fault. It just is.
What I do know is that my love for him has not faded. It's forced me to look at past relationships and realize, my love for those men is still intact as well. What many people will be unable to understand, is I can look at these men with all their flaws and see through them. I see straight into the man that "could be." And in all cases, he is magnificent! As we all are. Yes, you are. I am, too. I choose to shed the barriers so the true me can shine through. Alaska provided me with much shedding. Again, I am so very grateful to my friend (and he will always be my friend whether he chooses to be my friend) for the part he played in this shedding and growth. I wish and pray for him to have the same opportunity and to be able to embrace it with courage and joy. Thank you, thank you, thank you and I do love you.
And, I love all of you out there reading this as well. Love is all there is, everything else is an illusion.
love light & hugs
leslie
Well, Life certainly occurs, doesn't it? I've spent the last few weeks adjusting back to Las Vegas--landing a job, re-establishing personal and business connections and processing, processing, processing!
Now that the Ohio story is told and you have a solid background on me, you can see why some of the things that happened in Alaska really pushed my buttons. In hindsight, it was absolutely perfect! I was forced to look in the mirror and confront what I didn't like about me. The dear man I was with has demons similar to mine though from my subjective perspective, I am doing a more efficent job of casting them out. His participation in facilitating some of this is acknowledged here and I wish to express my deep gratitude for the part he played in my spiritual leap this summer. Thank you kind Sir!
What I can see from 2,500 miles and 2 months away is that 1) by changing my own perspective I could have made the experience into something much different. 2) by having zero expectations I couldn't have been disappointed nor hurt. 3) Amazingly, I spent 5 weeks with this intense desire to flee and yet within 9 hours of returning, my first thought upon waking was "I want to go back, now!" I deeply regret returning so hastily.
So I managed to dupe myself with fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and prematurely end what was a very lovely wonderful experience. In addition, it irrepairably damaged my relationship with a very nice good gentleman. Would it have worked long term? Who knows, maybe not, then again, it just might. But I feel in my heart now that we didn't give it enough of a chance. I also feel that what we went through was very mild compared to some of the experiences I had with my ex-s so if we weathered what we did, then we certainly had a shot at things working out. But rereading my own blog, I see that my mind was certainly not in the right spot for that to happen. I am sorry.
Overall, my deepest regret is to have lost the friendship and connection we had. I miss him. He is a basically good man with a kind heart and gentle manner. And I have no one to blame but me and my fear. Communications have all but halted and it brings great saddness to my heart. It was so fun to have someone to talk to for hours because we think so much alike. Very much kindred spirits. Apparently, this hurt him deeply. Never, ever would I have chosen that...I never choose to hurt anyone, even myself. I wish I could apologize adequately. But I guess it isn't my place to do so either...no one is at fault. It just is.
What I do know is that my love for him has not faded. It's forced me to look at past relationships and realize, my love for those men is still intact as well. What many people will be unable to understand, is I can look at these men with all their flaws and see through them. I see straight into the man that "could be." And in all cases, he is magnificent! As we all are. Yes, you are. I am, too. I choose to shed the barriers so the true me can shine through. Alaska provided me with much shedding. Again, I am so very grateful to my friend (and he will always be my friend whether he chooses to be my friend) for the part he played in this shedding and growth. I wish and pray for him to have the same opportunity and to be able to embrace it with courage and joy. Thank you, thank you, thank you and I do love you.
And, I love all of you out there reading this as well. Love is all there is, everything else is an illusion.
love light & hugs
leslie
