Hummm, I sat down to write to you an update about what was happening with my Alaska gentleman friend because I've made some really interesting discoveries about what all happened to me while I was visiting him in Alaska. Instead, the following poured out onto my keyboard. So, I guess the update will have to wait and instead, here's some background about me, why I am exactly where I am, and maybe you can see a bit of yourself in there somewhere and glean some wisdom from it. :) Maybe even learn something the easy way instead of like I did.

When the Universe wants us to know something it keeps hitting us with it until we get it, right? You know what I mean--it's happened to everyone at least once. First, you get a really subtle hint. Maybe it isn't subtle but you perceive it that way because it doesn't make it all the way into your knowing. Then after a while you get another hint. Maybe just as subtle, maybe not--it depends on how important it is. Like "A bus is coming at you" the hints are close and not so subtle. However if it's just something you need to learn for the "next step" or it's something the Universe knows you're going to need in the future, the hints are gentle and far apart. If you refuse to listen or respond, then the hints accelerate. My spiritual teacher, Dale Halaway likens it to feathers--the Universe gives you a feather--first one, then two, then a third closer to the second, and so on. Depending on the urgency, if you continually ignore the Universe you get a Mac truck, as he puts it. It smacks right into you and knocks you on your butt. SPLAT!

This concept was totally foreign to me until about three years ago when Dale first suggested it to a group of us. Since then, it has played like a broken record in my life. But that is a GOOD thing, I promise. I spent 16-1/2 years with the wrong man. In hindsight, he isn't a bad person any more than I am. We were bad for each other, definitely, and over the years it got worse for me, not better. In the end, I had to make him the bad guy in order to get away. It was that serious--I had to leave. See the Universe had given me feathers when we were first getting to know each other. But I was spiritually asleep and didn't know any better. I had moments when I was alone and it was quiet in the house when this voice in my head says, what just happened between you and him, isn't good for either of you--it drags you down, it doesn't build either of you up." I ignored it. I wanted to be in a relationship sooo much and I was sooo afraid of being alone and I didn't trust anyone, including myself, so, how could I listen. That would have made my choice "wrong" and I just couldn't take that. So I ignored it and cracked my ankle just as he moved in with me. (Ankles are our foundation--problems with them trace to a fear of moving forward and refusing to acknowledge our basic needs.) In this lifetime, I've had a LOT of ankle problems. Plowing ahead (I am a Taurus after all), we can fast forward a couple of years. I have a tumor on my face. They had to operate and scrape my facial nerve in order to remove it. All they tell me is, it's benign and that it will be six months before I recover the use of the left side of my face. (My face is frozen, half of it cannot move! Sorta a Mac truck don't you think?) Looking back using the luxury of hindsight, it was because I wouldn't/couldn't speak up for myself so I swallowed my anger and hurt until it grew into a lovely golf ball sized tumor, wrapped around my facial nerve. Oh, gee! What I have forgotten to tell you is that by this time the man I married had talked me into two abortions. Me, the girl who wanted to grow up to be a Mom (not a nurse, not a teacher, but a Mom), was so frightened from living life with him that I agreed to two abortions! (Three, actually, but I'm getting ahead of myself.) You know, you can rationalize anything if you really really want. And trust me, it has taken me many many many years and a whole lot of personal growth to forgive myself for them. After the surgery, I'm back at work in a couple of days. That's the one thing we did well, work together. Well, it seemed we did at the time. He'd give orders and I'd get it done. Sure he did things as well but it wasn't even, never was, that was our biggest issue. We had totally different definitions of "fair." I recover, my face heals, and I still don't get it. Next fight, I swallow my words again. What's the use? He won't listen to me. It won't change anything. All it will do is fan the fire. And I hate the fighting, I hate the yelling. Why can't we just agree? (Oooo! There's a drop of my childhood coming out of hiding for the world to see! Replaying what I grew up with...how hard it is
to break.)

to be continued...