Hi There, again!
Nice to see you joining me today. I'm sorry I haven't written for a few days, here's why. See my wonderfully fabulous, amazingly, brilliant web guy has hooked me up with a potential vendor for my HealThy Self™ quilts! And the vendor wants to see samples. (Yea!) But I don't have any samples made. That's because I've sold everything I've made (that's good thing!). So I need to make more. The logistics of that is further complicated because when I got this information I was sitting in a cabin on the Kenai Peninsula of Alaska...about 200 miles from Anchorage and 2,500 miles from my sewing machine and supplies! It makes it a bit difficult to sew. I could buy a machine and supplies in Anchorage but a) I'd still be missing something and b) I wasn't in Anchorage, I was on Jakolof Bay, accessible by air or water only. And c) the ferry was due in and well, it just seemed the sensible thing to do was to send me back to my stuff in sin city. So, now I'm in Anchorage killing a few hours before I can get on a plane and back to the "lower 48." So that's why I haven't written for a few days.

My trip up here to the "last frontier" has been very interesting. No, not in the way that you think. Yes, it's beautiful (especially during the rare moments of sunshine). And yes, there are critters and green stuff everywhere that I can't see anywhere else. But, that's not what has made it interesting for me. I sorta expected those things. What has surprised me is myself. I was privileged to ride on the Alaska State Ferry system from Bellingham, WA up the inside passage, across the Gulf of Alaska and around the Kenai Peninsula to Seldovia, AK (with several stops and side trips along the way). This took nearly two weeks. Before I even got to Seldovia I was nearly panicky wanting to 'escape.' Escape what? I kept asking myself. No answer. When I got to Seldovia the intimacy of being with someone in a one room cabin sent me reeling a bit. Why? I'd always wanted to be truly close to someone and now, here I'm living it and I want to RUN! What on earth has come over me?

This lovely man whom I'd corresponded with for nearly 6 months and whom had graciously paid for the entire trip without any complaint or expectation from me was "making me crazy." He's very meticulous; very exacting in how he goes about his daily life in his world. When he came to visit me in my world (several times), he seemed to be quite flexible and now, "who the hell is this?"! Whoa, Nelly! So I'm struggling with this. (Oh, and did I mention? Before the trip I'd taken all my worldly possessions, sold half of them and put the rest in storage. I drove my two cats to be with my family in Texas while I was traveling for an indefinite period of time [I love my cats, like children]. And, I have enough funds to get me through August and then I'll be stone cold broke. No stress, none at all!)

As I struggle with the "who is this man and where did the man I 'know' go," we arrive at his home in Anchorage. (It might help to know I have a history of controlling men in my life and the past couple of years have been all about breaking those past trends.) There I meet his son. A typical teen. Polite enough for the first couple of days and then terribly put-upon and bothered by "Daaaaad" and adults in general. Typical. :) That's okay, I expected that, too. But what I didn't expect and wasn't prepared for was the first time I went to hug this man I'd grown so fond of while in his home. "No physical displays in front of my son--he needs time to get used to the idea." Idea of what? And why the heck didn't you prepare me for this? "Say, you know, when we get to my house, we need to cool it a bit around my son." I could have understood that. Ouch, that hurt! Really. Maybe I am overly sensitive, lord knows I've been accused of being that so many, many times, but it hurt anyway. So. Here I am, homeless, in a very strange place, 2500 miles from anyone and anything I know, and now I'm being told I have to watch what I say and do. In other words, I'm not free to be me. At least, that's what came through my filter.

Talk about setting off emotional bombs! All over the place things were exploding inside of me. It whirled and twirled about until it became this huge whirlpool sucking the life out of me. Morose, depressed, sad, confused, lost, frightened--yeah, all those words fit how I felt. And I'm suppose to be showing this family what a wonderful person I am and how I might be able to fit into their family! Riiiiiiggggght. Oh, and by the way, I hadn't seen a truly sunny day since I'd left Las Vegas--over 14 days ago. That didn't help any either. (Vegas has like 340 days of sunshine--those aren't partly cloudy days either)! From my short experiences here, I think Alaska gets about 25 sunny days, another 50 or so partly cloudy days and the rest are grey! (I certainly hope, for the sake of the people of Alaska, that my assessment is wrong, here.)

So I became this hyper critical, super sensitive, insecure bundle of plasma masquerading as a spiritual human being for a time. Luckily, I've become very observant of my body and my responses so I had some feedback that I was on a ride I didn't particularly care to be on. AND it's very apparent this was all my own fault. (Like turning my ankle--hadn't done that in years but it always happens when I'm not paying attention to something that really needs me to be present.) Hautily I thought I was able to release most expecations regarding my trip to the Great White North. I failed miserably at that. And, I know that whenever someone around me is being "impossible" that it is just a reflection of myself and a means for me to see what I have refused to see in the past, acknowledge it's existence in me, release judgement against that aspect of myself and ultimately, change the behavior so I am more in alignment with the true me. As I sat there thinking, "He's being too controlling; He's too bossy with the kids; He's this, he's that" it hit me. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall!" It helped me (a whole lot) to have a lovely long broad rocky beach to walk on during the times when I was activated and angered. A whole lot! There I couldn't lie to myself. In the midst of all that raw beauty, the heartbeat of Mother Earth herself coming up in the waves meeting the shore, how could I deny in my heart the truth right in front of me? I couldn't. Another might have been able to but I couldn't. SO! Now I'm looking at myself and seeing that I am still quite controlling; and prideful; and hautey; and I need to learn to shut up and listen better. And, of course, I expect myself to do this for both myself and the people I'm with through total, unconditional love. Yes, yes, that's the goal. But it sure ain't the reality boys and girls! Yea, THAT lifted my mood—NOT!

Thank you dear reader for making it this far, there really is a point to all of this I promise.

Just knowing you are living in a mirror sometimes can help. It forced me to acknowledge how I was being just as positional as the man I was with was being with his son. Seeing that, I resisted the desire to RUN and stayed. I had to force myself at first and I found each day I was plotting my escape but I stayed. I'm very grateful I did. Actually, I'm sitting here at the airport wondering if I shouldn't have stayed a bit longer. (But business calls and there is that little thing about income through August and then caput...) Anyway. Each day got a little easier but there was always the undercurrent of "This isn't what I expected. It's not what I want. Not for me, not for my life. Why does it keep showing up in my life?" hummmm. Good question. That mirror thing again. I found it easier the following week to be more accepting and tolerant of him being how he is. Just letting him be who ever he is when ever he is and not attempting to change it or force it or even say anything. Just Be. Then the email came through with the inquiry from my vendor for samples. Suddenly, there was my way out. A reasonable, rational, provided by Spirit, exit! Even though at any time I could have just said, "you know, I think it's time for me to head south." You would be surprised at the change in me. At once I was happy-go-lucky, animated, smiling me again. What the? It wasn't like I was a hostage or a prisoner or something...well, apparently I was a prisoner of my own self! Ain't that a kick? Guess who was making me miserable? Me! Who could change that? Me. That my friends, is my whole point of this essay. Change your perspective, truly change it, and it changes everything. So--is the world you live in real? Or is it just a mirror of you reflecting back in a vain attempt to teach you about yourself?