ASPIRIN: Why Aspirin by your bed?

It is important to always have ASPIRIN in the home!!!

Why have Aspirin by your bedside?

ABOUT HEART ATTACKS

There are other symptoms of a heart attack besides the pain on the left arm.
One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

NOTE: There may be no pain in the chest during a heart attack.

The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.

If that happens, IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVE TWO ASPIRINS IN YOUR MOUTH and swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards, phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by and state "HEART ATTACK!!!" and that you have taken 2 ASPIRINS

Take a seat on a chair or sofa and wait for their arrival and....

DO NOT LIE DOWN!!!

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I received the email text below immediately following my last post! It was so appropriate to my experience in Alaska, I choose to post it here to share with all of you. If "LQ" will email me, I will be certain to give them full credit as this is a beautiful piece:

"Fear is the great designer of dualism, evoking unbalanced perspective, uninformed reason, and irrational response. British philosopher Bertrand Russell said, “Neither a man, nor a crowd, nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”

Fear builds walls that block the light which illuminates rational thinking. Fear is contracting – it cuts us off from our natural inclination toward compassion, enthusiasm, and awe. Fear cries out for boundaries, divisions, compartmentalization, and absolutes. Fear causes us to isolate ourselves from the unknown and unfamiliar because we assume them unmanageable and threatening. Fear separates us from the inherent bounty of life on this amazing planet, blocking the joy of our natural alliance with one another, and distracting us from the wonder of our innate biological kinship with Nature. When we are in fear, we focus all our attention on mostly-imagined points of danger, and lose our capacity to find courage, sanity, and peace within ourselves – the very things that make life rich and joyful. Perhaps this is why, in the New Testament, the phrase "be not afraid" is so often repeated.

Someone once described FEAR as an acronym: False Expectations Appearing Real.

Love is the opposite of fear. Love is the grand enabler of unity, casting out fear, dissolving boundaries, uniting divisions, coalescing compartments, placing absolutes into appropriate context, and helping us recognize that control is an illusion. Love is expansive. It offers understand that we share far more similarities than differences, and that even our differences are merely variations on the same theme.

Rephrasing the Creed of Senica Elder "White Eagle Medicine Woman," love reminds us that Mother Earth is our country, humanity our people, life our religion, gratitude our prayer, and freedom our birthright. Love brings clarity, understanding, and a sense of safety by enabling us to recognize all people as our allies, the Earth as our doting Mother, and a wise and loving Divine Creator as our benefactor and teacher, each providing everything we need – water, food, shelter, raw materials, beauty, companionship, affection, appreciation, wisdom – in abundance, given freely for the benefit of all humanity.

Choose love. Try repeating the phrase, "Be not afraid," to yourself as you walk through your day. Don’t allow your mind to imagine awful things that haven’t happened. When something difficult occurs, stifle the inclination to connect it to other things you found difficult – doing so forms a “pattern of negativity” in your mind and adversely affects your expectations of life experience. Avoid talking in divisive terms like "us" versus "them." Be present for loved ones who are frightened. Make a conscious effort not to be distracted from what you CAN do, by your fear of what you can’t do. When you are afraid of not having enough, focus on your feelings of gratitude for how much you have. Remember that fear is a natural emotion. It's best to face it so it doesn’t get the better of you. Examine it, name it, test it, and replace it with love and compassion for yourself and others. Choose love.
I wish you a joyful day of loving kindness.

Warm blessings, LQ :)"

Let go of Fear and replace it with it's opposite--LOVE. As I said earlier, Love is all there is...everything is love. God is love, I am god, therefore I am love...
Namaste!
love light & hugs

leslie

Hi There!
Well, Life certainly occurs, doesn't it? I've spent the last few weeks adjusting back to Las Vegas--landing a job, re-establishing personal and business connections and processing, processing, processing!

Now that the Ohio story is told and you have a solid background on me, you can see why some of the things that happened in Alaska really pushed my buttons. In hindsight, it was absolutely perfect! I was forced to look in the mirror and confront what I didn't like about me. The dear man I was with has demons similar to mine though from my subjective perspective, I am doing a more efficent job of casting them out. His participation in facilitating some of this is acknowledged here and I wish to express my deep gratitude for the part he played in my spiritual leap this summer. Thank you kind Sir!

What I can see from 2,500 miles and 2 months away is that 1) by changing my own perspective I could have made the experience into something much different. 2) by having zero expectations I couldn't have been disappointed nor hurt. 3) Amazingly, I spent 5 weeks with this intense desire to flee and yet within 9 hours of returning, my first thought upon waking was "I want to go back, now!" I deeply regret returning so hastily.

So I managed to dupe myself with fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and prematurely end what was a very lovely wonderful experience. In addition, it irrepairably damaged my relationship with a very nice good gentleman. Would it have worked long term? Who knows, maybe not, then again, it just might. But I feel in my heart now that we didn't give it enough of a chance. I also feel that what we went through was very mild compared to some of the experiences I had with my ex-s so if we weathered what we did, then we certainly had a shot at things working out. But rereading my own blog, I see that my mind was certainly not in the right spot for that to happen. I am sorry.

Overall, my deepest regret is to have lost the friendship and connection we had. I miss him. He is a basically good man with a kind heart and gentle manner. And I have no one to blame but me and my fear. Communications have all but halted and it brings great saddness to my heart. It was so fun to have someone to talk to for hours because we think so much alike. Very much kindred spirits. Apparently, this hurt him deeply. Never, ever would I have chosen that...I never choose to hurt anyone, even myself. I wish I could apologize adequately. But I guess it isn't my place to do so either...no one is at fault. It just is.

What I do know is that my love for him has not faded. It's forced me to look at past relationships and realize, my love for those men is still intact as well. What many people will be unable to understand, is I can look at these men with all their flaws and see through them. I see straight into the man that "could be." And in all cases, he is magnificent! As we all are. Yes, you are. I am, too. I choose to shed the barriers so the true me can shine through. Alaska provided me with much shedding. Again, I am so very grateful to my friend (and he will always be my friend whether he chooses to be my friend) for the part he played in this shedding and growth. I wish and pray for him to have the same opportunity and to be able to embrace it with courage and joy. Thank you, thank you, thank you and I do love you.

And, I love all of you out there reading this as well. Love is all there is, everything else is an illusion.

love light & hugs
leslie

So it finally hit me, "If I stay in Ohio I wil die before my time. Maybe in less than ten years. I don't want to be here, I am not happy here and never have been. Ohio is killing me, if I want to live, I have to leave." And then I did something that still amazes me...

I told Fred, "I love you more than life it's self but Ohio is killing me. I have to leave. I don't know where I'm going but I can't stay here any longer." He looked at me silently for a moment and then left the room. "Oh great! I just ended my marriage," I thought. But about a minute later he came back carrying something. He had the Rand-McNally Road Atlas in his hand! He spread it out on the table in front of us, opened to the page of the entire United States and he drew a line across the country. A horizonal line, below the half way mark. "Where do you want to go?" he said, "We can go anywhere south of here, it doesn't snow in any of these places."

Looking back, I really didn't totally appreciate his gesture. His life long dream was to own his own company. He'd planned for it since he was a boy and now, here he was, willing to give it all up. He must have loved me as much as he was capable. To do that was a huge sacrifice on his part. Granted the company was in a dire situation and if we didn't accrue the printing company we'd be sunk (and that wasn't going well) but he was actually ready and willing to walk away from it all. That was very generous. The problem is, we just never did properly communicate--I could no more comprehend his willingness to walk away from his dream than he was able to comprehend that saying "okay" to me meant "not good." To him, "okay" is literally alright. Like in, "How do I look?" "OK." So then I'd go start over because that was average which to me meant substandard. See, it really is all about perceptions isn't it?

So we up and moved to Vegas. I end the story here...I've glossed or skipped over some parts. My intention has been to share my story with you so that you could see (almost first hand) how I ignored or missed feathers and even Mac trucks that Spirit sent to me attempting to guide me along my path. I was dead to that world, completely unaware. And yet at a very deep level I kept wondering, is this all there is? Isn't there more? I want more! And you know what? In the ten years since we left Ohio, I have discovered, I DESERVE more! I am worthy of it and it is my birthright and I intend to grab hold of it and hang on.

Namaste, more soon

Looking back, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind—Alvin pushed me! And it was his last, most wonderful, unselfish gesture in that lifetime. Now that he was on the other side he could clearly see. Because he and I had this connection and because I had given him a chance at starting life over and I had believed in him, he was returning the favor.

I spent the next two and a half weeks flat on my back in a bed. Couldn’t even get up to pee. There was this contraption around my ankle and leg, up to my knee and it was hooked up to an igloo ice chest! No kidding! It circulated ice water 24/7 over the wound. I’d had surgery where they’d put two pins on the left side of the ankle and a seven inch plate with nine pins on the outside of the ankle and up my outer leg bone. 40 staples! The swelling was amazing. The hospital gave me a foam “bowling alley” to prop up my entire leg from the knee down so it would stay above my heart to reduce swelling.

OhMyGOD! Fred was beyond furious!

“You did this on purpose!” he yelled at me.

“On purpose, how could I possibly do something like this on purpose?”

“You didn’t want to work this weekend and you found a way out of it.”

Yeah, that’s rational—since I don’t want to work I think I’ll just shatter my ankle and force myself into nearly three weeks of bed rest followed by 12 weeks in a wheel chair, 4 weeks with a walker and another 2 weeks on crutches before I get the “walking cast. Oh, and I won’t be able to drive for six months, either. Yup, this is definitely “on purpose!”

He had to refill the ice chest three times a day with fresh ice—an entire bag of ice every eight hours. But he had a business to run and he had to do it without me. So since I’d done this “on purpose” he chose to not speak to me for the duration. Two and half weeks of no words, just grunts and glares. I’m in serious pain. I’m completely helpless, totally dependent. I had the portable phone and the TV remote, that was it. After four days I called the only person I felt I could impose on—our bookkeeper. She came over and found my stationery, hand sewing, and a few books and put them next to the bed for me. Pat, wherever you are, thank you very much. I am so grateful for your kindness. I know it put you in an awkward position with Fred. I’m sorry you had to be between us.

I had a lot of time to think. I thought about all that had happened since we moved to Ohio. This was the fifth major surgery in six and a half years. I had gone from being a mere secretary to being the production manager responsible for troubleshooting jobs and repairing equipment. (I cannot tell you how many times I found myself on the floor under the imagesetter in a $500 suit, on my back, in pantyhose, screw driver in hand. Sometimes I cursed my great mechanical abilities!) I thought about how after six and a half years I only knew the people I worked with, a handful of vendors, and Fred’s family. And he didn’t particularly care to associate with his family. I could certainly never count on any of them for assistance (or so it seemed). I had pined for Dallas, my family, and Texas for most of that time. I had no friends, no girlfriends, no network, no safety net. I was an island unto myself, especially since Fred refused to talk to me. Laying there in that bed, it became very, very clear that Dayton, Ohio was slowly but surely killing me. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. Thank you Alvin. If you hadn’t of pushed me, I would never have figured this out. Thanks for providing me with my Mac Truck so I could move forward rather than slowly dying.

to be continued...

So the therapy helps. And the Buspar™ is working (the “anti-depressant” meds they’re giving me). And I haven’t had to have any surgery, emergency or scheduled for a year and a half. Business is booming. There’s hope that we can pull a financial miracle out of the hat and get out of the debts we unknowingly inherited buying the company. We increase everyone’s shifts/hours. We are literally running 24/7 with 10 employees shoving almost two million in typesetting and pre-press jobs through a year and all the employees except 2 have less than 18 months on the job!

One day, Fred tells me, the client just called and we’re not going to get job X. And because of that, there’s nothing else on the horizon so we either have to lay off one person or cut everyone’s hours. We decide to cut hours—it seems more fair and we don’t lose the skill we’ve worked so hard to teach these employees. I start telling everyone, one at a time at their workstations. I have two more to go when he calls me in his office. “Have you told everyone yet?” “Almost,” I say. “Well, stop, and tell everyone we’re now on mandatory overtime, minimum 50 hour weeks for the next two to three months!” That, my dear readers, is the printing business! Feast or famine and it can change in a heart beat! Or a phone call, as in this case. We just got awarded sole production from a small text book publisher and it’s their peak season. This is on a Wednesday.

Now, for the past six years, I’ve lived with this roller coaster of work. I’ve worked literally 72 hours in the same suit and panty hose (and let me tell you, some where between hours 12 and 16 they “become one” with your body! e-e-e-w-w). I’ve caught cat naps on a cot in the ladies room for an entire summer, only really sleeping on the weekends. It’s been 60 to 80 hour weeks for way too long. I’m not that strong. (At least, that’s my mind set so that indeed, is my reality.)

This same Wednesday I find out a former employee has died. He O.D.’d. When he was clean, he was one of the best workers I’d ever seen. He was a happy, gentle soul, very willing to do whatever needed to be done. We’d hired him through Goodwill Industries and knew he’d been through rehab but hey, he was making deliveries and cleaning toilets so we felt blessed to have someone so bright and eager. I started to show him a bit about the computers even. What we didn’t realize was the public housing across the street from our downtown location was a known crack house. It wasn’t long before the temptation was too great. We had to fire Alvin because when he was high he stole the cash box and pawned a couple of typewriters. But I had this strange connection to Alvin and I felt compelled to go to his funeral. And it was on a Saturday after all.

Fred was livid! He didn’t want me to go to the funeral. “You’re needed to get the work out.” (Does that mean I’m irreplaceable? I daren’t ask it though!) But I was really, really compelled to go. Perhaps because my younger brother was in prison for crack addiction. I could see him in Alvin and felt so bad for my brother and so grateful he was “safe” in prison. Anyway, I for once I defied Fred and went.

Now, I’m a very middle-class very white chick. Very fair skinned. Alvin was half white. So, there were two white folks at the funeral. His mom, and me! It’s rare for me to feel uncomfortable with any group of people but for some reason this seemed awkward. The service was nice—long—but really showcased the light side of him rather than the possessed side. Leaving the service, there were wooden steps leading to the parking lot. Going down the stairs I suddenly felt a presence. I even turned and looked over my left shoulder. I could feel Alvin standing there, laughing as he did, and his brilliant smile flashing at me. The next thing I know, I’m on the ground and two of the oldest, most shriveled up, skinny black men are attempting to pick me up! I weighed 220 lbs. NOT! Somehow we manage to get me up although I really know I can't walk and should just stay put. See, I missed the last step and the curb. I fell about eight inches and pretty much shattered my right ankle. 215 lbs were turning left to go to my car while 5 pounds (my right foot) decided to go 180 degrees to the right. That doesn’t work, folks!

to be continued...

Anyway. So I feel no one is willing to help me with this drug, they're all like, oh, you're fine. And I only get to see the physician who prescribed it once a quarter, that's insurance's rule. One night I have to pick my husband up at the airport. It's 11:30 at night and Dayton, OH doesn't exactly have a huge airport. I pull up the usual place but it's all barricaded. I work a 14-16 hour day, how the hell did I know the Pope was in Dayton that day? It's also the day the OJ Simpson trial ended. And more importantly, what's it got to do with me. I just want to pick up hubby and go home to bed. But the airport cop decides to stereotype the lady in the Cadillac and make her move. I argue with him. I'm gonna be there for two more minutes and what about all the other cars? He says move or he'll impound the car and haul me off to jail as a suspected terrorist. (This is YEARS before 9/11.) Pissed, I throw the car in drive and squeal away. (I was in gravel.) He pulls me over and writes me a ticket for reckless driving. I totally over react. Totally. I am crying hysterically when my husband gets to the car. He's pissed. And I feel worse than I did the day I called the suicide hotline. We get home (yes, before cell phones) and I call the hotline for my shrink. They tell me to stop the Prozac immediately once I tell them how I've been feeling. But you're not suppose to go off it cold turkey, I say. No, you're not but you are obviously having adverse reactions to it. You think?! After a couple of months of trial and error, they finally find a drug mild enough for me to take. I'm diagnosed with acute depression. Nothing exotic, just flat out depressed. Come to find out, it started with my third abortion (gee, I wonder why) and was compounded by the birth control pills my gyno gave me. (Never ever let a doctor tell you a pill can't have a certain side effect without double checking at least with a pharmacist). Toss in a huge bundle of stress and swallowed feelings and voilá, you're a basket case! I spent two years in therapy. Even stumped my shrink half way through and he had to have a session with me where his colleagues observed through one-way glass to help him figure out what to do next with me! I seemed so rational but I felt like my world was shattering around me. (I know now, it was. It was suppose to because I wasn't suppose to be there doing what I was doing.) It was around this time I developed a poking pain in my shoulder...if I forget, remind me sometime to tell you about that, it's another whole story!

to be continued...
(and for you regular readers, I apologize for the delay in this post--Spirit is certainly at work with us! :)
love light & hugs
leslie

There was actually about a year and half where I didn't have any surgeries. But Spirit was still workin', just trying a different approach. I had a nervous break down instead. Blew a fuse and hit an employee. He wouldn't stop what he was doing to listen to me and I punched him in the arm. I'm a sissy ol' girl but that is never ever acceptable behavior, in any environment. The person in my body was not me. I had lost me. Within six months, I was suicidal. But to be honest, I would have had to feel better to kill myself. I wanted to die but I just couldn't seem to find the energy. Less than a week after firing our entire staff and hiring an entire replacement staff (stressful? why would you think that?!), I went into melt down. I spent four hours at work on the phone with the suicide hotline. All I remember was I talked to a lady. I remember nothing else except that she reassured me I could be helped by such-and-such's office, that one of the doctors there would "fix" my broken brain. I couldn't stop crying, I went through an entire box of Puffs tissues.

Prozac. That was the "answer." It's suppose to take 30 days to get into your system. Well, I hardly ever do anything "normal." For me, two days and I felt the effect, two weeks and I was totally possessed. Now I really honestly know what it feels like to be locked inside your own body. The medication is suppose to help me, make me feel better, calmer, more relaxed and I am a prisoner in my own body! Jesus, God, Somebody, let me outta here! And I also know what it feels like to be "the observer." I sat inside of me, watching at first in amazement, and then horror, as my body did things and my mouth said things that absolutely were not me! Hubby asked me for my opinion, and I quote, "Whatever you think, dear, will be fine." Where the f- did that come from? I'll own up to passive-aggressive, absolutely! But this? Rollover and play dead has never been me. So after a month on this drug, I'm talking with the man I love about my concerns. It's taken a lot of courage but I am so concerned for my own safety that I feel backed into a corner and have to talk about it. I tell him about feeling like a prisoner and that I know what I'm doing and saying isn't like me. He agrees with that part and then comes back with, "But I like you like this. You're so much easier to get along with." HELLLLLOOO! Now here's the really wild part. I stayed with him...another eleven years! That's the F-in' amazing part. Sometimes I can be a bit slow.

to be continued...

Remember, my husband is in the shower--naked and soaking wet. I sleep in the buff. He hears a thud. A very loud thud. He said later, "I just reached over and turned the water off. I knew you were hurt." He steps out of the shower, soapy and wet to find me sprawled, naked on the floor with blood rushing from my forehead. Have you ever seen a facial wound? They bleed very easily and profusely, even minor cuts. This, however was no minor cut. Me, my head feels like it has literally been split in two. Cleaved. My eyes are still shut and I see total darkness dotted with what I thought were tiny stars. And I hear in my head a chalphony of voices, all in unison, screaming, "NOOOOOOO!" I gotta tell you, that will stay with me forever! I know now that it was the council of the Universal Consciousness and even they feared I was dead. (Amazingly enough, from time to time I still doubt my own value, get a clue!) I open my eyes to see a very wet naked man bending over me. (He is one of those guys who is quite hairy, sorta Robin William-ish, so wet is really wet on him!) He takes my shoulders and says, "Stay there, I'll get help." I didn't realize it but I was attempting to sit up. When he said that I laid back down and waited. He said later he knew then that I was in serious shape--I'm not very good at being given guidance much less being told to "stay put." So the paramedics are on their way. They're close, 3 blocks. So by the time he could dry off and pull on a pair of pants, they're at the door. Did I mention I'm naked? Blessedly, the first person to me was a female paramedic. She immediately put a bath towel over me, Goddess bless her! I was sooo grateful for that one. They put me on a board, stuck me in the ambulance and less than 12 hours after I left, I'm back at the hospital where I had the surgery. I have a gash on my forehead and a cut under my left eye. The bruising, gee I wish now I had pictures, it was amazing. Stand in front of a mirror. Draw an imaginary line from top to bottom exactly through the middle of your face, down the center of your nose. Turn to see your right profile--perfectly normal. Now, turn to the left--rainbow colors! It looked like someone hit me across the face with a cast iron skillet! It was technicolor for several weeks! (Try going to the grocery store like that!) So, now I have a concussion. I have 10 stitches in my forehead and another 20 in my groin. They have to hold me there half the day until my surgeon can get out of surgery to come check to make certain I didn't damage anything. And, for the next eight days I cannot be alone for even a moment because of the concussion.

But we have a business to run. I was planning on going to work this day and now I have 8 days mandatory bed rest. (Welcome rest but a helluva way to get it!) No one we know can come stay with me so we have to fly my parents (in their late 70s) up from Dallas, TX to Dayton, OH in February. My mom is terrified of heights (not to mention planes) and hates the cold. They have to change planes in St. Louis so that's two take offs and landings. But, of course, they come. (I am very blessed in that area--great parents. They have their issues but overall I knew what I was doing when I picked them.)

So, just in this one surgery did you see all the warnings I ignored? There were lots of them. But this isn't anywhere near the end of it! We're just getting warmed up. There's more to come!

Before I even met him, I had a recurring pain. It was around my right ovary, and sometimes spread out and over my right hip. I went to my gyno. No luck. I went to a different one--same. I moved states and ended up at a third--we did exploratory surgery (less than a year after the tumor surgery). Great, the doctor accidently punctures my bladder with the laser so I'm forced to stay home on the sofa for a week. (Goddess knows I needed the rest, we ran a business together and had steadily worked 70 hour weeks for three years.) They thought I had endometriosis but nope, clean as a whistle. Isn't that just ducky? I have a pain that doubles me over randomly and the doctors are stumped. I turn to my GP. He's "middle aged" and an old school sorta guy. Like back when you went to one doctor for everything, not specialist. When I told him my story he shook his head and said he was really sorry. Then said if I'd stick with him, we would discover what it was. He pulled out his medical books and made a list. We started at the top of the page. I was introduced to barium enemas and colonoscopies. I highly recommend you do whatever you can to avoid ever having the pleasure! Anyway, after two years of tests and regular appointments, we were at the bottom of the page and had just crossed off the last item. I was not happy or hopeful at all. And damn it, I still hurt!

That wonderful old guy scratched his head (really!) and said, "Gee, we have tried everything. We've eliminate everything that remotely carries that symptom--I don't know what else to do. If you were a man..." And he stopped. And something in me clicked. I said, "If I were a man, what?" He says, "Well, you aren't so it doesn't matter." Now, I have to tell you, I have four brothers, no sisters and I am in the middle. I hated being teased by my brothers so I was always trying to prove I could do whatever they did. As a result, I'm strong 'for a woman.' So I pressed my dear doctor. "Tell me what you were about to say, If I were a man, what would you think it might be? You know I have four brothers." "I'd check you for a hernia." "Check." "But you're a girl." "So?" "Well women don't usually get them." "Usually. You know me well enough to know I'm not usual. Check." He shrugged, put his hand in my groin and said the classic, "Turn your head and cough." I did and he smiled. A rather confused smile but a smile. Sure enough I had a hernia. (And I can tell you, I think I got it the day I decided to move the entertainment center by myself. The TV was too big for me to lift so I sat down on the floor and used my very strong legs to push the entire thing. Think maybe that's when it happened?!)

All interesting enough but what does this have to do with another feather? Hang in there, it ties in! Doc refers me to a surgeon and two weeks later I'm under the knife. Here's a little bit of data that is helpful to know here. Certain drugs commonly used during surgery can kill me. I stop breathing because my lungs are basically paralyzed. They throw a ventilator on me and if I don't have too much of the drug in my body in about four hours I start breathing on my own again. (How I know this is a WHOLE other story, a good one, I'll remember to tell it to you.) Because of this little drug 'problem' anesthesiologists hate to see me coming. The day of this surgery, the anesthesiologist looks at my chart and refuses to "do" me. (First clue this ain't gonna be a cake walk). Finally, the department head comes down. Well, at least he ought to know what he is doing. I start waking up because I feel a sharp, hard pain. Ouch! I say, with a tube in my mouth. I hear clicking and realize they are stapling the incision shut! I'm still on the table. Shit! So, staple, Ouch, staple, Ouch, staple, Ouch. After the fourth time, they jam a needle into the area and the pain stops and I think they took me back under a bit as well. It could have been worse. I'd rather feel the pain than stop breathing. (Sort of a no-brainer, huh?) Surgery was suppose to be at 3PM but thanks to the delay, I'm wheeled to recovery at 7:30PM. My insurance company, in the infinite wisdom of the accountants who trust statistics with the most uncanny faith, says this is out-patient surgery. By 9:00PM I'm at home on my sofa and feeling quite fine from all the pain meds. (What I have discovered since, is there is a lovely Federal Law that actually protects us with this--you may request to stay 23 hours after surgery. But, you do have to request it. Wow! A law that's actually beneficial, cool!)

So, at this point as a reader you're thinking. Okay, big deal, what's next? Well, next is the next morning. I wake up about 6:15AM. I can tell I hurt before I even stand up but I haven't been to the rest room since about 2PM the previous day! (Remember, I was on pain meds for my groin region when I got home from the hospital--it didn't occur to me to go.) So, I stand up to go pee. My husband is in the shower. The thought crosses my mind, "Gee, this is some serious pain I'm feeling, maybe I ought to take a pain pill first." Of course to do so I have to go into the bathroom to get a glass of water so why not pee first while I'm in there? The last thing I remember is putting my foot forward to step through the bathroom door, literally 3 steps from my bed! The pain was so great I passed out. You want a good laugh? Let me paint the scene for you...

to be continued…

Hummm, I sat down to write to you an update about what was happening with my Alaska gentleman friend because I've made some really interesting discoveries about what all happened to me while I was visiting him in Alaska. Instead, the following poured out onto my keyboard. So, I guess the update will have to wait and instead, here's some background about me, why I am exactly where I am, and maybe you can see a bit of yourself in there somewhere and glean some wisdom from it. :) Maybe even learn something the easy way instead of like I did.

When the Universe wants us to know something it keeps hitting us with it until we get it, right? You know what I mean--it's happened to everyone at least once. First, you get a really subtle hint. Maybe it isn't subtle but you perceive it that way because it doesn't make it all the way into your knowing. Then after a while you get another hint. Maybe just as subtle, maybe not--it depends on how important it is. Like "A bus is coming at you" the hints are close and not so subtle. However if it's just something you need to learn for the "next step" or it's something the Universe knows you're going to need in the future, the hints are gentle and far apart. If you refuse to listen or respond, then the hints accelerate. My spiritual teacher, Dale Halaway likens it to feathers--the Universe gives you a feather--first one, then two, then a third closer to the second, and so on. Depending on the urgency, if you continually ignore the Universe you get a Mac truck, as he puts it. It smacks right into you and knocks you on your butt. SPLAT!

This concept was totally foreign to me until about three years ago when Dale first suggested it to a group of us. Since then, it has played like a broken record in my life. But that is a GOOD thing, I promise. I spent 16-1/2 years with the wrong man. In hindsight, he isn't a bad person any more than I am. We were bad for each other, definitely, and over the years it got worse for me, not better. In the end, I had to make him the bad guy in order to get away. It was that serious--I had to leave. See the Universe had given me feathers when we were first getting to know each other. But I was spiritually asleep and didn't know any better. I had moments when I was alone and it was quiet in the house when this voice in my head says, what just happened between you and him, isn't good for either of you--it drags you down, it doesn't build either of you up." I ignored it. I wanted to be in a relationship sooo much and I was sooo afraid of being alone and I didn't trust anyone, including myself, so, how could I listen. That would have made my choice "wrong" and I just couldn't take that. So I ignored it and cracked my ankle just as he moved in with me. (Ankles are our foundation--problems with them trace to a fear of moving forward and refusing to acknowledge our basic needs.) In this lifetime, I've had a LOT of ankle problems. Plowing ahead (I am a Taurus after all), we can fast forward a couple of years. I have a tumor on my face. They had to operate and scrape my facial nerve in order to remove it. All they tell me is, it's benign and that it will be six months before I recover the use of the left side of my face. (My face is frozen, half of it cannot move! Sorta a Mac truck don't you think?) Looking back using the luxury of hindsight, it was because I wouldn't/couldn't speak up for myself so I swallowed my anger and hurt until it grew into a lovely golf ball sized tumor, wrapped around my facial nerve. Oh, gee! What I have forgotten to tell you is that by this time the man I married had talked me into two abortions. Me, the girl who wanted to grow up to be a Mom (not a nurse, not a teacher, but a Mom), was so frightened from living life with him that I agreed to two abortions! (Three, actually, but I'm getting ahead of myself.) You know, you can rationalize anything if you really really want. And trust me, it has taken me many many many years and a whole lot of personal growth to forgive myself for them. After the surgery, I'm back at work in a couple of days. That's the one thing we did well, work together. Well, it seemed we did at the time. He'd give orders and I'd get it done. Sure he did things as well but it wasn't even, never was, that was our biggest issue. We had totally different definitions of "fair." I recover, my face heals, and I still don't get it. Next fight, I swallow my words again. What's the use? He won't listen to me. It won't change anything. All it will do is fan the fire. And I hate the fighting, I hate the yelling. Why can't we just agree? (Oooo! There's a drop of my childhood coming out of hiding for the world to see! Replaying what I grew up with...how hard it is
to break.)

to be continued...

Today, I bet we have some new readers responding to the email we sent out. AWESOME! It's great to have you join us here! This is not just a blog but a way for me to share what I've learned along my path with others. Perhaps something I say will be of assistance to someone who hasn't trod that part of the path yet. Each person I help in the tiniest bit brings me great joy.

If you take the time to read my previous blogs, you will see I have been going through a growth spurt myself. It isn't always easy but it is always welcome because I know once I'm on the other side of it that I'm am more at peace and more myself than I ever was before. Two steps backwards yields three forward so it's baby steps but it's steps! I am so very grateful I am here and I can do this! And I want to share with you what is going on in my life and how I go about it. Maybe you can gain something from it or maybe you can shed some light on something for me! We're all in this together in the end.

We live in an exciting time. So much is happening cosmically and that is one of the reasons for my growth spurt. The other, of course, is Reiki. I asked for it and the daily Reiki treatments I give to myself assure that I remain firmly centered in my own growth. Reiki can do that for you as well. It can bring about wonderful changes, healing ancient emotional wounds and allowing us to grow past our "story." Then we get the amazing opportunity to create our own unique and new story! What fun!

Of course it can also help with the more "real" problems in our lives--illness, depression, monetary issues. I personally have experienced all of these and have used Reiki to pulll myself out of these. I am cancer-free, depression free, and my financial situation is just amazing! And I can thank Reiki for it all.

The greatest thing about Reiki is that it cannot in anyway bring any harm to anyone or anything! Because the basis of Reiki, Universal Life Force Energy, is unconditional love. Love, it's self, cannot cause hurt. It can only heal. Love is just pure perfect energy...a wave particle of endless power and endless quantities. You get as much as you allow in. Step aside, stop trying to control things, and more love will pour in. It's so easy and so difficult! We are the "difficult factor;" we get in our own way. Let me give you an example. Have you ever tried to do something, tried so very hard that if you could have willed it into happening it would have? And yet you didn't succeed at it. Did you ever give up trying so hard and reach over one last time just in frustration to find that voilá, it worked?! It's because you finally got out of your own way, you stopped trying. You were trying so hard you got in the way of it happening. You were trying to control the outcome. But you can't. We can't control outcomes. We can't control anything but ourselves. (And I'm here to tell you, controlling me is a full-time job that I just barely succeed at sometimes!) LOL Once we relax, and stop being dependent on a certain outcome it can happen...we make the space for it to happen. Reiki can help you relax and get out of your own way.

Anyway, welcome again to our new readers and thank you to all of you! Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have--there are no stupid questions, only fear makes us think that.
love, light & hugs
leslie

Good Morning!
And it's yet another beautiful, sunny day in Las Vegas! I never thought I'd say this but I miss the variations of weather I saw in Alaska--a couple of hours of gray would be a nice relief from the heat! Wow, I just said 'relief from the heat'--I have never thought that way before--maybe Alaska had a greater effect on me than I thought!
Summer Solstice is past once more. This year with all the planetary happenings, Solstice has brought up a lot of emotions for me. It is a time of change (change is the one constant we can count on!). For me the changes seem huge and difficult. But as my dear friend Linda pointed out (and not too gently either), it's only huge and difficult because I make it so. Because I resist allowing it to just happen. Because i believe it must be difficult and huge. Change my perspective and voilá, it is simple and easy. Thursday it was not easy. Today with a couple of days of perspective between, it seems much simpler (may be still not easy but because indeed, I did make it more complicated than it needed to be) but simpler.
As a result of this, the questions weighing in right now is--there is a fine line between acknowledging our feelings and feeling them so that they can be released and the line between wallowing in the feelings and letting them overtake us. Where is that line? What are the symptoms that you are about to cross it? How do you keep from crossing it? I haven't got the answers to these questions yet but please, keep on reading because I will come up with them for myself. Anything I learn I am compelled to share with my dear readers. If it helps--that's great and wonderful. If not, c'est la vie. (That's life.)
Maybe it is like the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is what you feel when you prick your finger. Suffering is when you see that you are going to prick your finger and you feel the anticipation of the pain. By anticipating the pain, we create the suffering--suffering is totally self-induced. Pain is in the moment, the now. Can you translate this from pain to the feeling line? I'm working on it. I've almost got it...

Hi There, again!
Nice to see you joining me today. I'm sorry I haven't written for a few days, here's why. See my wonderfully fabulous, amazingly, brilliant web guy has hooked me up with a potential vendor for my HealThy Self™ quilts! And the vendor wants to see samples. (Yea!) But I don't have any samples made. That's because I've sold everything I've made (that's good thing!). So I need to make more. The logistics of that is further complicated because when I got this information I was sitting in a cabin on the Kenai Peninsula of Alaska...about 200 miles from Anchorage and 2,500 miles from my sewing machine and supplies! It makes it a bit difficult to sew. I could buy a machine and supplies in Anchorage but a) I'd still be missing something and b) I wasn't in Anchorage, I was on Jakolof Bay, accessible by air or water only. And c) the ferry was due in and well, it just seemed the sensible thing to do was to send me back to my stuff in sin city. So, now I'm in Anchorage killing a few hours before I can get on a plane and back to the "lower 48." So that's why I haven't written for a few days.

My trip up here to the "last frontier" has been very interesting. No, not in the way that you think. Yes, it's beautiful (especially during the rare moments of sunshine). And yes, there are critters and green stuff everywhere that I can't see anywhere else. But, that's not what has made it interesting for me. I sorta expected those things. What has surprised me is myself. I was privileged to ride on the Alaska State Ferry system from Bellingham, WA up the inside passage, across the Gulf of Alaska and around the Kenai Peninsula to Seldovia, AK (with several stops and side trips along the way). This took nearly two weeks. Before I even got to Seldovia I was nearly panicky wanting to 'escape.' Escape what? I kept asking myself. No answer. When I got to Seldovia the intimacy of being with someone in a one room cabin sent me reeling a bit. Why? I'd always wanted to be truly close to someone and now, here I'm living it and I want to RUN! What on earth has come over me?

This lovely man whom I'd corresponded with for nearly 6 months and whom had graciously paid for the entire trip without any complaint or expectation from me was "making me crazy." He's very meticulous; very exacting in how he goes about his daily life in his world. When he came to visit me in my world (several times), he seemed to be quite flexible and now, "who the hell is this?"! Whoa, Nelly! So I'm struggling with this. (Oh, and did I mention? Before the trip I'd taken all my worldly possessions, sold half of them and put the rest in storage. I drove my two cats to be with my family in Texas while I was traveling for an indefinite period of time [I love my cats, like children]. And, I have enough funds to get me through August and then I'll be stone cold broke. No stress, none at all!)

As I struggle with the "who is this man and where did the man I 'know' go," we arrive at his home in Anchorage. (It might help to know I have a history of controlling men in my life and the past couple of years have been all about breaking those past trends.) There I meet his son. A typical teen. Polite enough for the first couple of days and then terribly put-upon and bothered by "Daaaaad" and adults in general. Typical. :) That's okay, I expected that, too. But what I didn't expect and wasn't prepared for was the first time I went to hug this man I'd grown so fond of while in his home. "No physical displays in front of my son--he needs time to get used to the idea." Idea of what? And why the heck didn't you prepare me for this? "Say, you know, when we get to my house, we need to cool it a bit around my son." I could have understood that. Ouch, that hurt! Really. Maybe I am overly sensitive, lord knows I've been accused of being that so many, many times, but it hurt anyway. So. Here I am, homeless, in a very strange place, 2500 miles from anyone and anything I know, and now I'm being told I have to watch what I say and do. In other words, I'm not free to be me. At least, that's what came through my filter.

Talk about setting off emotional bombs! All over the place things were exploding inside of me. It whirled and twirled about until it became this huge whirlpool sucking the life out of me. Morose, depressed, sad, confused, lost, frightened--yeah, all those words fit how I felt. And I'm suppose to be showing this family what a wonderful person I am and how I might be able to fit into their family! Riiiiiiggggght. Oh, and by the way, I hadn't seen a truly sunny day since I'd left Las Vegas--over 14 days ago. That didn't help any either. (Vegas has like 340 days of sunshine--those aren't partly cloudy days either)! From my short experiences here, I think Alaska gets about 25 sunny days, another 50 or so partly cloudy days and the rest are grey! (I certainly hope, for the sake of the people of Alaska, that my assessment is wrong, here.)

So I became this hyper critical, super sensitive, insecure bundle of plasma masquerading as a spiritual human being for a time. Luckily, I've become very observant of my body and my responses so I had some feedback that I was on a ride I didn't particularly care to be on. AND it's very apparent this was all my own fault. (Like turning my ankle--hadn't done that in years but it always happens when I'm not paying attention to something that really needs me to be present.) Hautily I thought I was able to release most expecations regarding my trip to the Great White North. I failed miserably at that. And, I know that whenever someone around me is being "impossible" that it is just a reflection of myself and a means for me to see what I have refused to see in the past, acknowledge it's existence in me, release judgement against that aspect of myself and ultimately, change the behavior so I am more in alignment with the true me. As I sat there thinking, "He's being too controlling; He's too bossy with the kids; He's this, he's that" it hit me. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall!" It helped me (a whole lot) to have a lovely long broad rocky beach to walk on during the times when I was activated and angered. A whole lot! There I couldn't lie to myself. In the midst of all that raw beauty, the heartbeat of Mother Earth herself coming up in the waves meeting the shore, how could I deny in my heart the truth right in front of me? I couldn't. Another might have been able to but I couldn't. SO! Now I'm looking at myself and seeing that I am still quite controlling; and prideful; and hautey; and I need to learn to shut up and listen better. And, of course, I expect myself to do this for both myself and the people I'm with through total, unconditional love. Yes, yes, that's the goal. But it sure ain't the reality boys and girls! Yea, THAT lifted my mood—NOT!

Thank you dear reader for making it this far, there really is a point to all of this I promise.

Just knowing you are living in a mirror sometimes can help. It forced me to acknowledge how I was being just as positional as the man I was with was being with his son. Seeing that, I resisted the desire to RUN and stayed. I had to force myself at first and I found each day I was plotting my escape but I stayed. I'm very grateful I did. Actually, I'm sitting here at the airport wondering if I shouldn't have stayed a bit longer. (But business calls and there is that little thing about income through August and then caput...) Anyway. Each day got a little easier but there was always the undercurrent of "This isn't what I expected. It's not what I want. Not for me, not for my life. Why does it keep showing up in my life?" hummmm. Good question. That mirror thing again. I found it easier the following week to be more accepting and tolerant of him being how he is. Just letting him be who ever he is when ever he is and not attempting to change it or force it or even say anything. Just Be. Then the email came through with the inquiry from my vendor for samples. Suddenly, there was my way out. A reasonable, rational, provided by Spirit, exit! Even though at any time I could have just said, "you know, I think it's time for me to head south." You would be surprised at the change in me. At once I was happy-go-lucky, animated, smiling me again. What the? It wasn't like I was a hostage or a prisoner or something...well, apparently I was a prisoner of my own self! Ain't that a kick? Guess who was making me miserable? Me! Who could change that? Me. That my friends, is my whole point of this essay. Change your perspective, truly change it, and it changes everything. So--is the world you live in real? Or is it just a mirror of you reflecting back in a vain attempt to teach you about yourself?

Good Morning!
How are you today? If you didn't say Great, why? What's up? What's bothering you? Can you let it go? Forget about it! When you dwell on things they eat at you...if you're dwelling on say Ice Cream it might be difficult to see where dwelling on ice cream is a problem! But if you're dwelling on you too big feet that's totally unproductive. Heck, look at Shaquille O'Neill, you think you have big feet? It could be worse! And I have a dear friend who had surgery on both feet as a child and walks in pain every day of his life--he'd be happy to trade feet with you. Does that make you more grateful for your "too big" feet? It does me.

See, my point here is perspective. How are you looking at things? Through what lens, what filter are you peering? Are you restricting yourself, your opportunities with that lens or filter? All we have to do is shift our perspective and voilá, life is different. And "life" didn't change. We did. We changed our perspective so we could better see what is really there!

Okay, okay, I did say "All we have to do…," yes, it's easier said than done. Practice my friend! Practice, Preactice, Practice.

Take a look at my previous blog. What was that all about? Changing my perspective on a day where my heart was on my sleeve. I had to put it back where it belongs and shift my persepctive and focus off of me and onto the world. That took a couple of days to complete but I did it. If I can, you can! Most certainly you can! :)

By writing out my feelings I was able to "zoom in" on what I was dwelling upon. Finding that, I could shift gears and change my perspective. As a bonus, I got a gentle reminder from Spirit about a couple of the life lessons I'm working on in this life time. Like approval. Right now I need at least daily reminders that I already have all the approval I need, that I don't have to go looking for it anywhere at all. Spirit loves me. I am part of the Universal Consciousness which is pure love so how could I possibly not have approval? Because I forget to remember I have it. I forget sometimes to allow it into my heart. I remember the courage it takes to have no walls around my heart and allow the love to flow in freely. Yes, this sets me up to be hurt. But. Can anyone truly hurt me emotionally? (We're not talking physical pain here, that's different).

Only if I allow someone the power over me can they hurt me emotionally. Only if I care more about what that person thinks of me than I care of what I think of me can I be hurt. Think about that and let it soak in a bit. Why would you care more about someone else's opinion of you than your own opinion of you? hummm…

So, today the sun is shining brightly. And for now I'm on the Kenai Peninsula of Alaska so this is a rare day--bright sunshine. And I'm not going to waste it so I'll sign off for now and go sit in it basking in the sun (even if I have to wear my parka!) ha!
Perhaps you could take a few minutes and do the same, go bask in something, just to indulge yourself, for no other reason. Five minutes won't kill you and it might do a world of good.

love light & hugs
leslie

Hi!
Well, it's appropriate to start my blogging today--it's my best friend's birthday! Carolyn and I have known each other since we were in the 6th grade--sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself! And today, I really really wish I could talk to her but she's in India (hooray for her!) and about to leave for London. (Man, I don't envy her that flight! Talk about your jet lag! Ouch.)

AND, today is also my friend Marty's birthday. He's husband to another of my best friends, Leanne. Leanne is totally swamped today because her business conference begins this week and of course she's in charge of a lot of the set up--she's sort of air traffic control for the event, something she does really really well. Though I wish she could learn to be nicer to herself--she is one amazing lady!

Today my challenge is to learn that no one causes my feelings. They may trigger them and that's a good thing. Because once triggered I can look at them and then release them. Today, that is an especial challenge. And, I am challenged to speak up. I am ever so good at swallowing my words and being a "good girl." But that habit made me sick, like almost dying with cancer sick so I don't want to do that any more. I am so very sick and tired of being taken for granted. What exactly is there about it that I keep creating that in my life? Obviously there's a lesson here as well. Maybe I don't value me quite as good as I could? (Notice I said could, there are no "shoulds" that's a myth created by others who want to control us but they can't only we can control us and that, just barely!)

Enough for today. People are cooking food here where I am and I want to elbow my way into some of it.

love light & hugs
leslie

Labels: todays blog 6/3/7

My Name is Leslie Fisher - I am a Reiki Master and I will be your hostess on "Reiki Talk". I look forward to knowing you!

A blog is a web page made up of usually short, frequently updated posts that are arranged chronologically — like a what's new page or a journal. The content and purposes of blogs varies greatly — from links and commentary about other web sites, to news about a company/person/idea, to diaries, photos, poetry, mini-essays, project updates, even fiction.

Blog posts are like instant messages to the web.

Many blogs are personal, "what's on my mind" type musings. Others are collaborative efforts based on a specific topic or area of mutual interest. Some blogs are for play. Some are for work. Some are both.

Blogs are also excellent team/department/company/family communication tools. They help small groups communicate in a way that is simpler and easier to follow than email or discussion forums. Use a private blog on an intranet to allow team members to post related links, files, quotes, or commentary. Set up a family blog where relatives can share personal news. A blog can help keep everyone in the loop, promote cohesiveness and group culture, and provide an informal "voice" of a project or department to outsiders.